Keeping it Real

Posts Tagged ‘Family’

I have been fielding a lot of questions regarding when I will be writing for the blog again.  Those who know me know that there’s little in the world that could take my attention away from those things I am passionate about…

That is, until a possibility to relight the flame of one of those past passions presented itself. 

My attention, most recently, has turned to reigniting the passion with my ex-wife, Cheryl Sproat.  Her and I have known each other since the fall of 1988… I knew there was something special about her the moment I met her.  I wasn’t sure what it was at the time but I can say, today, it was her smile, her laugh, and her attitude of loving life, family, friends, and so much more no matter what came at her.

We would hang out occasionally as we shared some mutual friends.  I remember meeting her with a friend at the mall on my 17th birthday.  Not long after that, I found the courage to ask her if she would go to a movie with me.  It was December 3, 1988, I was nervous, I wanted her to like me as more than a casual acquaintance… She said yes and we decided to take in Mel Gibson’s latest at the time… ’Lethal Weapon’.

There started a wonderful friendship that gradually grew into an incredibly amazing, inspiring, and loving relationship.  We would spend more and more time together until it became pretty clear that you wouldn’t see one of us without the other…

We got married on August 3, 1996 and immediately wanted to start a family.  We both very much wanted to be parents.  The problem, we discovered, was that it was very unlikely Cheryl would ever be able to get pregnant naturally.  There is a long story there but I can admit that through it all we were each other’s rock.  With a little help from In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), Cheryl was able to get pregnant.  Later in the pregnancy, we found out we had been blessed with twins, one boy and one girl.  We both thought our perfect little family was all there.  Her pregnancy was ‘textbook’ as far as a multiples pregnancy goes.  Finally, on September 5, 2001, along came a beautiful, healthy little girl, MacKenzie.  Our boy, Michael, would not make it through delivery and is now MacKenzie’s guardian angel in heaven.  For more on MacKenzie and Michael, see: He is in our Hearts, Daddy.

There’s no doubt MacKenzie’s birth and Michael’s passing changed our lives…there’s something about becoming a parent that is so empowering and right…and there’s something about losing a child that is so deflating and wrong.  It wasn’t long after MacKenzie was born, however, that my relationship with Cheryl changed.  We, as a couple, were merely existing instead of really living.  Before, circumstances rarely determined our attitudes or moods and we lived and loved to the fullest.  With MacKenzie a part of our lives, we both felt incredibly blessed… what an amazing addition to our family that little miracle was.  During this period, however, life had become so routine that we felt we were merely taking up space, simply existing.  We were both very present for our daughter, of course, but something was missing in us.  Something wasn’t right.

Tensions between Cheryl and I grew and we began living our lives separately… not physically separate but emotionally and spiritually separate.  We recognized this and passed around the idea of engaging couple’s counselling or other means of working our way through what I considered to be a bump in the road.  I thought we owed it to ourselves, each other, and our amazing little girl, to work as hard as we could to reignite the passion we once had for each other.

It wasn’t long before we recognized that our hearts simply weren’t in it and we thought we would have to separate in order to build a positive home(s) for our little girl.  I remember thinking, “How could I love so deeply someone who refused to love me back.”  Cheryl and I separated and commenced our lives apart.  MacKenzie, although very disappointed, was quite resilient to all the changes going on around her.

I have some pretty amazing friends and family members who supported me through so much of the rollercoaster that has been the last 2-3 years of my life.  With their help, I didn’t allow the changes going on around me to influence my happiness.  I’m not going to say I didn’t have any sad days or that a bitter or resentful thought never went through my mind, but, thanks to amazing friends, an amazing employer, and an amazing family, I was able to focus my attention on what mattered.  I could focus on me and ‘create my little piece of happy’ along with building a positive, supportive home for my daughter and I.  At the same time, Cheryl was able to identify for herself who she was and wanted to become.

There were some very trying moments.  There was finger pointing and threats.  There was mistrust.  I refused to allow bitterness or resentment to become a routine in my life and chose to focus on that which I was grateful for… there was so much, afterall, to be grateful for.  I didn’t allow additional financial commitments or other personal and professional challenges to change who I wanted to be.  I can’t say I wasn’t hurt because I was… I had put everything into my relationship with Cheryl.  What I can say, however, is that I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself and certainly didn’t want others to feel sorry for me.

Late in the summer, perhaps early fall 2009, I was dropping my daughter off at Cheryl’s place and something occured to me.  I had REALLY let go.  I spoke breifly to Cheryl and shared with her that I hoped she could find the peace she was looking for, that I wished for her only the very best, and that I had let go.  I shared with her that our success as a couple will not be measured by the failure of our marriage but by how we choose to raise our little girl… I shared with her that I had forgiven her and I asked that she forgive me.  I told her that, for as long as she would let me, I would be her friend.  I told her that her happiness is a decision away.

From that moment forward I recognized a change.  I didn’t know what it was or even if our previous conversation had anything to do with it, but our communications from that point forward were less stressed.  When we did talk we smiled, we laughed… we started sharing little pieces of our lives with each other again.  Both of us had been ‘dating’ if it could be called that and both of us had released each other and, as importantly, ourselves from the burden of our failed marriage.  Most of all, however, we both gave the other the space we needed to really determine who we wanted to become.

It was a cold day in January when we met so I could drop off some of MacKenzie’s things.  I had picked up a few coffees and we sat in my truck enjoying some conversation and laughs.  I looked at her and told her that I was proud of how we had grown past the bitterness and the next words out of her mouth would introduce another major change in our lives… she said, “Yes, Darren, we make a pretty good team, don’t we?”  There was something in her this cold morning that I hadn’t seen in years, something warm… it was a smile, a REAL smile!

I don’t think I could pinpoint when things started feeling right again… or, for that matter, FEELING at all.  But, we made great strides together when we found it in ourselves to forgive and move on… to release ourselves and eachother… to stop feeling sorry for ourselves… to focus on ourselves first.

Today, Cheryl and I are back together.  The passion has returned, the feeling has returned… it wont be easy rebuilding our lives, we recognize that, but we have a renewed commitment to each other and a renewed lease on our relationship.

I wish to thank all who regularly read and contribute to this blog.  Your many comments, e-mails, and contributions are true blessings and I am looking forward to many more.

Leave your comment and stay tuned…

Darren Sproat

I was out the other day putting the finishing touches on my preparations for Christmas this year.  I found myself spending some time observing Moms and Dads and sometimes their kids shopping, waiting in line, or any one of several other activities that it seems everyone has to do prior to Christmas festivities…

There was a common theme that was rather disappointing… very few people were smiling or enjoying themselves.

There’s no doubt that the time of year adds unnecessary stresses to everyone’s already hectic schedules but there are several things you can do to prevent stress from getting the best of you at this time of year…

• Put perfection behind you – Everyone wants the holiday season to be perfect…from striving to achieve a perfect reaction from your spouse or children to a gift you purchased to desiring the perfect feast and family get together, the perfect gift wrapping and decorations, etc.  Accept that you may not be able to achieve perfection in every aspect of your holiday season.
• Set yours plans for visiting family and friends in accordance with your priorities – There’s nothing quite as stressful as trying to be in 4 or 5 places (Mom’s place, Dad’s place, Granparent’s places, etc…) all at once.  Set your priorities for family visits with family and friends in accordance with YOUR priorities not those of your Great Aunt!  Consider alternating between your’s and your significant other’s families yearly and leave yourself the time to truly enjoy these opportunities – especially if visiting these families requires any significant travel requirements.
• For those last minute items, plan before you shop – It’s natural to forget an item or have to make a trip to pick up a few things at the last minute.  Make a list and plan where and what you will buy before you hop in the car and head to the mall.
• Take a moment to enjoy the moment – The stress caused by hectic schedules and season related to-do lists can be relieved by simply taking a moment to breathe and enjoy the wonderful around you!  Take a moment to remember why you celebrate this time of year.

How do you handle seasonal stresses?

photo credit: isabisa

Communicating is so important to all facets of one’s life… from building a healthy relationship with your significant other to raising your kids to maintaining a successful career or business.  In my experience, however, many people believe that being a strong communicator is equivalent to being able to effectively hear one out and react by spewing words that one believes the other wants to hear.

Communicating in such a way is not productive and can be filled with assumptions.  This is all too often the case when one doesn’t make the effort to listen and understand the conversation.  Instead of giving one’s attention to actually understand the conversation one simply takes the words, applies personal perception and emotion to what was heard, and reacts.

“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”
~ John Marshall

Effective communications requires a person to more than simply hear and react to what is being said.

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen.  Just listen.  Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention… ”
~ Rachel Naomi Remen

So, how do we listen?

It’s simple… open your eyes and ears and shut your mouth!

photo credit: Stéfan

One of the true certainties in life is that little is certain… to truly experience life, energize your passion and clear your limitations to explore all possibilities.

photo credit: chema.foces

“Relinquish your attachment to the known, step into the unknown, and you will step into the field of all possibilities.”
~ Deepak Chopra

It took me a long time to understand that stepping outside of my comfort zone was the only real means to experience new things in life.  In doing so, I have overcome fears and perceived limitations in nearly every facet of my life.  Every once and a while, however, I need a little reminder and the quote above from Deepak Chopra reminded me of that tonight.

Let me know your thoughts?

Regards,
Darren Sproat

A friend of mine recently spent 8 months volunteering/working in a humanitarian role in her homeland of Thailand.  I find this to be incredibly inspirational as she placed her life on hold to, essentially, devote herself to helping others.  And when she started out that was her intention…to help others.

Some Background

She was born in Canada but her parents and 4 of her 6 siblings were born in and around Thailand.  While she always knew of her ancestry, she didn’t really have a deep connection back to her homeland until she spent 6 months living with her Grandmother right in Thailand.  As it turns out, that 6 months was the last 6 months of her grandmother’s life.  In the brief time she spent there, listening to the stories of her Grandmother growing up in Thailand and raising her own family there, she realized that she had unintentionally embarked upon a journey of personal self discovery. 

She returned to Canada after her Grandmother’s passing only to feel compelled to return to Thailand to continue her grandmother’s work.

An Intention to Help becomes a Personal Journey of Self Discovery

Once she confirmed her intention to move and continue her Grandmother’s work, I encouraged her to maintain a journal of her experiences while she was there.  In the back of my mind I was thinking it would be fantastic material for a blog about her activities and experiences.  While it never did turn into a blog, she did maintain a journal while she was there.  In writing the journal she had only one guideline… at the end of every day she would write a short paragraph about a person she met, an event she attended, an experience she had, or a realization or discovery she made that inspired her in some way.

She provided me access to her journal and, in reading it, I become incredibly humbled and inspired by her story.  Frankly, I think her writing is worthy of publishing.  She is adamant, however, that keeping her journal private is important to her at this time so I will, of course, honour her request to keep this information to myself except to share that it tells the story of a 30-something young woman taking herself out of her comfort zone to give all of herself to assist those in need.  It tells the story of a young woman discovering, first hand, the privileges she lived with, the institutions and freedoms that she took for granted, and the general well-being of living in Canada.  It tells the story of a young woman, through her selfless actions, discovering herself.

In a recent conversation, she admits that this journey was one of self discovery - one of facing fears and overcoming barriers.  She admits that it was her who, ultimately, was benefiting from her intentions to help others.  In her words,

“I realized that anyone is able to change the world one thought at a time.  I woke every morning and set a few very attainable goals and at the end of every day I wrote about the one person or thing that day that inspired me.  I didn’t write about the ‘good deeds’ I was doing for the people or families I was with because I soon discovered that what I was doing was helping me as much or more than it was helping others.  The more I did for the community the more I learned about myself – what inspired and motivated me.  I felt enlightened to what I am and can become.  I discovered what made me, me.  I understand now what my Grandmother knew for a lifetime.”

I would be honoured if you chose to share your thoughts.

Regards,
Darren Sproat