Keeping it Real

Posts Tagged ‘Father’

A simple lesson I shared with my 5 year old (nearly 4 years ago now) is something she has really latched on to and makes a part of her daily routine… that lesson?

Be helpful, not hurtful…

It seems so simple.

Recently, however, she forgot about this little lesson and joined in some elementary school hijinks with a few friends.  It involved ‘teasing’ one of our neighbors with some not so helpful, rather hurtful statements.  This is certainly not how I raise my girl to behave and our talk about this sequence of events later that day helped her see the connection between the statement, “Be helpful, Not Hurtful” and her decisions and actions.  She tried to point fingers at her friends but it came down to being HER decision as to what action to take.

I wonder how many people make a conscious effort to ‘be helpful’ throughout their days. 

How can you be helpful, not hurtful?

When I asked my daughter this question she shared the following answers…

• I can say nice words to the people I see every day.
• I smile at everyone I see and sometimes they tell me it made their day.
• When other people are hurt I can go help them.
• I can help younger kids cross the street.
• I can help others to be helpful instead of hurtful.

She came up with these few items in just a few minutes… what can you come up with?  Leave your comment now.

Sincerely,
Darren Sproat

I have been fielding a lot of questions regarding when I will be writing for the blog again.  Those who know me know that there’s little in the world that could take my attention away from those things I am passionate about…

That is, until a possibility to relight the flame of one of those past passions presented itself. 

My attention, most recently, has turned to reigniting the passion with my ex-wife, Cheryl Sproat.  Her and I have known each other since the fall of 1988… I knew there was something special about her the moment I met her.  I wasn’t sure what it was at the time but I can say, today, it was her smile, her laugh, and her attitude of loving life, family, friends, and so much more no matter what came at her.

We would hang out occasionally as we shared some mutual friends.  I remember meeting her with a friend at the mall on my 17th birthday.  Not long after that, I found the courage to ask her if she would go to a movie with me.  It was December 3, 1988, I was nervous, I wanted her to like me as more than a casual acquaintance… She said yes and we decided to take in Mel Gibson’s latest at the time… ’Lethal Weapon’.

There started a wonderful friendship that gradually grew into an incredibly amazing, inspiring, and loving relationship.  We would spend more and more time together until it became pretty clear that you wouldn’t see one of us without the other…

We got married on August 3, 1996 and immediately wanted to start a family.  We both very much wanted to be parents.  The problem, we discovered, was that it was very unlikely Cheryl would ever be able to get pregnant naturally.  There is a long story there but I can admit that through it all we were each other’s rock.  With a little help from In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), Cheryl was able to get pregnant.  Later in the pregnancy, we found out we had been blessed with twins, one boy and one girl.  We both thought our perfect little family was all there.  Her pregnancy was ‘textbook’ as far as a multiples pregnancy goes.  Finally, on September 5, 2001, along came a beautiful, healthy little girl, MacKenzie.  Our boy, Michael, would not make it through delivery and is now MacKenzie’s guardian angel in heaven.  For more on MacKenzie and Michael, see: He is in our Hearts, Daddy.

There’s no doubt MacKenzie’s birth and Michael’s passing changed our lives…there’s something about becoming a parent that is so empowering and right…and there’s something about losing a child that is so deflating and wrong.  It wasn’t long after MacKenzie was born, however, that my relationship with Cheryl changed.  We, as a couple, were merely existing instead of really living.  Before, circumstances rarely determined our attitudes or moods and we lived and loved to the fullest.  With MacKenzie a part of our lives, we both felt incredibly blessed… what an amazing addition to our family that little miracle was.  During this period, however, life had become so routine that we felt we were merely taking up space, simply existing.  We were both very present for our daughter, of course, but something was missing in us.  Something wasn’t right.

Tensions between Cheryl and I grew and we began living our lives separately… not physically separate but emotionally and spiritually separate.  We recognized this and passed around the idea of engaging couple’s counselling or other means of working our way through what I considered to be a bump in the road.  I thought we owed it to ourselves, each other, and our amazing little girl, to work as hard as we could to reignite the passion we once had for each other.

It wasn’t long before we recognized that our hearts simply weren’t in it and we thought we would have to separate in order to build a positive home(s) for our little girl.  I remember thinking, “How could I love so deeply someone who refused to love me back.”  Cheryl and I separated and commenced our lives apart.  MacKenzie, although very disappointed, was quite resilient to all the changes going on around her.

I have some pretty amazing friends and family members who supported me through so much of the rollercoaster that has been the last 2-3 years of my life.  With their help, I didn’t allow the changes going on around me to influence my happiness.  I’m not going to say I didn’t have any sad days or that a bitter or resentful thought never went through my mind, but, thanks to amazing friends, an amazing employer, and an amazing family, I was able to focus my attention on what mattered.  I could focus on me and ‘create my little piece of happy’ along with building a positive, supportive home for my daughter and I.  At the same time, Cheryl was able to identify for herself who she was and wanted to become.

There were some very trying moments.  There was finger pointing and threats.  There was mistrust.  I refused to allow bitterness or resentment to become a routine in my life and chose to focus on that which I was grateful for… there was so much, afterall, to be grateful for.  I didn’t allow additional financial commitments or other personal and professional challenges to change who I wanted to be.  I can’t say I wasn’t hurt because I was… I had put everything into my relationship with Cheryl.  What I can say, however, is that I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself and certainly didn’t want others to feel sorry for me.

Late in the summer, perhaps early fall 2009, I was dropping my daughter off at Cheryl’s place and something occured to me.  I had REALLY let go.  I spoke breifly to Cheryl and shared with her that I hoped she could find the peace she was looking for, that I wished for her only the very best, and that I had let go.  I shared with her that our success as a couple will not be measured by the failure of our marriage but by how we choose to raise our little girl… I shared with her that I had forgiven her and I asked that she forgive me.  I told her that, for as long as she would let me, I would be her friend.  I told her that her happiness is a decision away.

From that moment forward I recognized a change.  I didn’t know what it was or even if our previous conversation had anything to do with it, but our communications from that point forward were less stressed.  When we did talk we smiled, we laughed… we started sharing little pieces of our lives with each other again.  Both of us had been ‘dating’ if it could be called that and both of us had released each other and, as importantly, ourselves from the burden of our failed marriage.  Most of all, however, we both gave the other the space we needed to really determine who we wanted to become.

It was a cold day in January when we met so I could drop off some of MacKenzie’s things.  I had picked up a few coffees and we sat in my truck enjoying some conversation and laughs.  I looked at her and told her that I was proud of how we had grown past the bitterness and the next words out of her mouth would introduce another major change in our lives… she said, “Yes, Darren, we make a pretty good team, don’t we?”  There was something in her this cold morning that I hadn’t seen in years, something warm… it was a smile, a REAL smile!

I don’t think I could pinpoint when things started feeling right again… or, for that matter, FEELING at all.  But, we made great strides together when we found it in ourselves to forgive and move on… to release ourselves and eachother… to stop feeling sorry for ourselves… to focus on ourselves first.

Today, Cheryl and I are back together.  The passion has returned, the feeling has returned… it wont be easy rebuilding our lives, we recognize that, but we have a renewed commitment to each other and a renewed lease on our relationship.

I wish to thank all who regularly read and contribute to this blog.  Your many comments, e-mails, and contributions are true blessings and I am looking forward to many more.

Leave your comment and stay tuned…

Darren Sproat

As narrated/written by Kenzie Sproat,

I recently went on a cruise of the Alaskan coast with my Mom.  Her and I took almost 1500 pictures and I have a number of stories to tell about the trip. Mom and I are going to put together a scrapbook of our journey. Please enjoy these pictures and stories and remember that I really like to read your comments.

This is a picture of me taken in front of the hotel we stayed at in Calgary on the way to Vancouver. I was excited about going on this vacation with my Mom.

I was really excited about going on this trip with my Mom.  I had never been through the mountains in British Columbia before and that was something to see.  I thought the mountains were cool because I live in Saskatchewan where it is very flat.  It was cool to see clouds weaving through the snow-capped mountains.

My first trip through the mountains.

The best thing about driving through the mountains was that it was always interesting.  Our 14 hour drive didn’t seem that long.

Vancouver, when we got there, was so big.  We boarded the cruise ship in Vancouver and it was big too.  You can’t understand the size of something until you have seen it for yourself.

This is the cruise ship we boarded. It is called the Celebrity Mercury. It is apparently small compared to many cruise ships but it is still the biggest I have ever seen.

I had fun on board taking pictures of the Vancouver harbour, the ship, the coastline, and myself.

I set the timer, posed, and the camera snapped this picture of me on the deck of the ship.

This is a picture taken down on the main pool from the top deck on the ship. This ship had everything you could imagine on it.

This is one of the first pictures I took of the coast line as we left Vancouver harbour.

There are lots of small communities along the coast and some interesting sites too.  Watching the sun shine off the water and watching the ship stir the water beneath it was interesting. 

This is one of the homes I saw along the way.

Sitka was the first community we stopped at along the way. The ship achored close to shore. Passengers, including me, rode the life boats to get to the coast to explore Sitka.

Me exploring Sitka. I liked Sitka because there were lots of places to see.

I spent so much time in the pool on the ship. The only place in the pool where I could reach the bottom was on the stairs into the pool. I learned how to swim quick.

This is the first glacier I have taken a picture of. The crew of the ship brought a piece of ice from this glacier on board using nets that I got to touch.

We stopped in Juneau, Alaska’s capital city, and Ketchikan as well before proceeding south back to Vancouver.

I celebrated my 8th birthday on board.  I had cake and a member of the crew gave me a rose too.  I was treated very well and enjoyed all the time I was able to spend with family.  I did miss my Daddy but was able to call him almost every day.

This is a piece of the glacier that the crew brought on board.

This is the State Capitol in Juneau. There were many shops and museums in Juneau.

This is a life-size, bronze statue of a grizzley bear... HUGE!

I learned a lot and saw many things of interest from huge cities to very small towns and houses.  I also met a pen-pal on the ship that I intend to stay in touch with over the years too.

The trip was really fun.  The best part of it all was that I was with my Mommy but the worst part was not being with my Daddy.  I loved spending time with family and friends.  It’s kind of neat to have been somewhere where my Daddy has never been and it was cool to share all the pictures and stories with him.  Home really is the best place in the world.

Let me read your comments!

- Kenz

The following was given to my little girl at the end of her Grade 2 year by one of her many amazing teachers so far.

“Whose child is this?” I asked one day
Seeing a little one out at play.
“Mine”, said the parent with a tender smile
“Mine to keep a little while.
To bathe her hands and comb her hair
to tell her what she is to wear,
To prepare her that she may always be good
And each day do the things she should”.

“Whose child is this?” I asked again,
As the door opened and someone came in.
“Mine”, said the teacher with the same tender smile.
“Mine to keep for just a little while.
To teach her how to be gentle and kind,
To train and direct her little mind,
To help her live by God’s golden rule,
And get the best she can from school.

“Whose child is this?” I asked once more,
Just as the little one entered the door.
“Ours”, said the parent and the teacher as they smiled,
And each took the hand of the little child.
“Ours to love and train together.
Our this blessed task forever”.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

We, and our children, are truly blessed by all those who are for an ‘raise’ our children… they are truly a product of their communities – their parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles, teachers, preachers, care givers, coaches, mentors, and so many more.  Thank you to all who devote their lives to shaping the minds and bodies of our precious little ones.

Please leave your thoughts!

By the way, if anyone knows who the original author is, please let me know.

Regards,
Darren

I recently asked a peer group, ”What is the most important aspect of the life you are living right now?” 

The answers I received were as diverse as the people I was sitting with. They varied from children to parents, pets to material possessions, a big promotion to employers, employees, and friends.  Not one person in the room answered, “ME”!

Is it selfish to believe that, above all, you should be conscious to YOUR needs above all others and believe that YOU are the most important aspect of the life you are living?

We are often encouraged, whether by literature or media or friendly advice, to be there for those we love and the people and things we value.  Sure, it’s important that your family and friends are important aspects of your life but I would argue that if being present for them is at the expense of your own health and well-being, that you are doing yourself and your friends and family a disservice.

You will be better prepared and able to be available for those aspects of your life you consider important - kids, parents, family, friends, employment, business, or a significant other - if you first acknowledge and aspire towards achieving YOUR happiness and are firmly on the path to achieving YOUR dreams, YOUR SUCCESS – no matter how success is defined for you.  If you are able to present your authentic self in all that you do, something that can only be done if you are consciuous to YOUR needs, mentally and physically, your loved ones and, in fact, YOU will benefit greatly.

Here are some great tips for being present for yourself…

• Give a toast to you… Make a list of all the things you love about yourself… don’t just think of a few things and then move on to the next point, do it!  If you need help, ask a few friends to tell you of the qualities they love about you.
• Avoid the negative hits to self worth… Avoid sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. If you sit around thinking about all the things that make you feel bad or talking about it to anyone who will listen, it will make you feel worse.  Sure, you can acknowledge that there are things that make you feel bad but then focus on what you are grateful for in life.
• Eat better and stay active… Living healthier today than you did yesterday, and making that a goal for every morning when you wake up, is something that will improve you both physically and mentally.
• What do you love to do?  Make a list of the things you love to do and then do them!  Does that seem simple?  It is.
• Identify the learning opportunities… Every challenge in life is an opportunity to learn and better yourself.  This self betterment is what, when faced with challenges today, you should look forward to identifying and embracing. 
• Be happy… Your happiness is a choice… YOUR CHOICE!  Choose happiness when you wake up in the morning.  Approach each day as the gift that it is… with the enthusiasm and anticipation of a child on Christmas morning waiting to open that present from Santa.
• Listen to your body… One’s body sends many messages throughout the day.  When it’s time to eat, you’re hungry.  When it’s time to rest, you’re tired.  When it’s time to relax, put the damn cellular phone down and relax.  Be present for YOU!  You will find that handling the day’s anxieties and stresses becomes that much easier when you listen to the messages your body is sending you.

So, consider yourself the most important aspect of your life… it is not selfish.

I welcome your input on this… Comment now, and, as always, opposing viewpoints are always welcome at Keeping it Real.

Regards,
Darren Sproat