Keeping it Real

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

I am happy to welcome, once again, Kelly Karius, from Karius and Associates, as a guest contributor on Keeping it Real.  Your comments are welcome and I encourage you to connect with Kelly.

From the Heart

It’s hard to speak from the heart sometimes. But that is often exactly what needs to be done in order to have healthy growth in our relationships. To really put your innermost thoughts into words takes a bravery that can be developed…with practice.

The practice path…

• Understand that your thoughts are not dysfunctional. Our thoughts develop in conjunction with our experiences. Experience…thoughts…more experience…reinforcement of thoughts and belief…that’s how it works. Your thoughts are exactly in line with the experiences you have had in your life.
• Attach feelings to thoughts. Our thoughts are not far separated from our feelings, but often times we are unsure of what it is we even feel. If you need some ideas and inspiration about feelings, keep a list of feelings handy. A very quick google search will bring you to something like this > Feelings.
• Speak from the heart to YOURSELF about yourself.
• Understand your hopes and dreams about the situation. Understanding what you want to happen in a relationship, job or project will help you be able to express it more clearly.
• Use a neutral sounding board before approaching someone about a heart to heart talk in order to be sure your thoughts, intentions and understandings are clear.
• Examine the worst case scenario. Remember that no one will ever eat you for expressing your innermost self.

Leave your thoughts on this!

Contributed to Keeping it Real by:
Kelly Karius

Kelly Karius, an expert in conflict dynamics, intervention, management and resolution, has a wealth of knowledge and experience ready to tap. Kelly helps people build positive relationships, both at home and at work. An accomplished keynote speaker and trainer, Kelly delivers seminars that are informative, comfortable, engaging and motivating. Her “Taking Control” Conflict Management Seminar has even been called “life-changing.”  You may choose to view Karius and Associates or follow her on Twitter

A simple lesson I shared with my 5 year old (nearly 4 years ago now) is something she has really latched on to and makes a part of her daily routine… that lesson?

Be helpful, not hurtful…

It seems so simple.

Recently, however, she forgot about this little lesson and joined in some elementary school hijinks with a few friends.  It involved ‘teasing’ one of our neighbors with some not so helpful, rather hurtful statements.  This is certainly not how I raise my girl to behave and our talk about this sequence of events later that day helped her see the connection between the statement, “Be helpful, Not Hurtful” and her decisions and actions.  She tried to point fingers at her friends but it came down to being HER decision as to what action to take.

I wonder how many people make a conscious effort to ‘be helpful’ throughout their days. 

How can you be helpful, not hurtful?

When I asked my daughter this question she shared the following answers…

• I can say nice words to the people I see every day.
• I smile at everyone I see and sometimes they tell me it made their day.
• When other people are hurt I can go help them.
• I can help younger kids cross the street.
• I can help others to be helpful instead of hurtful.

She came up with these few items in just a few minutes… what can you come up with?  Leave your comment now.

Sincerely,
Darren Sproat

I have been fielding a lot of questions regarding when I will be writing for the blog again.  Those who know me know that there’s little in the world that could take my attention away from those things I am passionate about…

That is, until a possibility to relight the flame of one of those past passions presented itself. 

My attention, most recently, has turned to reigniting the passion with my ex-wife, Cheryl Sproat.  Her and I have known each other since the fall of 1988… I knew there was something special about her the moment I met her.  I wasn’t sure what it was at the time but I can say, today, it was her smile, her laugh, and her attitude of loving life, family, friends, and so much more no matter what came at her.

We would hang out occasionally as we shared some mutual friends.  I remember meeting her with a friend at the mall on my 17th birthday.  Not long after that, I found the courage to ask her if she would go to a movie with me.  It was December 3, 1988, I was nervous, I wanted her to like me as more than a casual acquaintance… She said yes and we decided to take in Mel Gibson’s latest at the time… ’Lethal Weapon’.

There started a wonderful friendship that gradually grew into an incredibly amazing, inspiring, and loving relationship.  We would spend more and more time together until it became pretty clear that you wouldn’t see one of us without the other…

We got married on August 3, 1996 and immediately wanted to start a family.  We both very much wanted to be parents.  The problem, we discovered, was that it was very unlikely Cheryl would ever be able to get pregnant naturally.  There is a long story there but I can admit that through it all we were each other’s rock.  With a little help from In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), Cheryl was able to get pregnant.  Later in the pregnancy, we found out we had been blessed with twins, one boy and one girl.  We both thought our perfect little family was all there.  Her pregnancy was ‘textbook’ as far as a multiples pregnancy goes.  Finally, on September 5, 2001, along came a beautiful, healthy little girl, MacKenzie.  Our boy, Michael, would not make it through delivery and is now MacKenzie’s guardian angel in heaven.  For more on MacKenzie and Michael, see: He is in our Hearts, Daddy.

There’s no doubt MacKenzie’s birth and Michael’s passing changed our lives…there’s something about becoming a parent that is so empowering and right…and there’s something about losing a child that is so deflating and wrong.  It wasn’t long after MacKenzie was born, however, that my relationship with Cheryl changed.  We, as a couple, were merely existing instead of really living.  Before, circumstances rarely determined our attitudes or moods and we lived and loved to the fullest.  With MacKenzie a part of our lives, we both felt incredibly blessed… what an amazing addition to our family that little miracle was.  During this period, however, life had become so routine that we felt we were merely taking up space, simply existing.  We were both very present for our daughter, of course, but something was missing in us.  Something wasn’t right.

Tensions between Cheryl and I grew and we began living our lives separately… not physically separate but emotionally and spiritually separate.  We recognized this and passed around the idea of engaging couple’s counselling or other means of working our way through what I considered to be a bump in the road.  I thought we owed it to ourselves, each other, and our amazing little girl, to work as hard as we could to reignite the passion we once had for each other.

It wasn’t long before we recognized that our hearts simply weren’t in it and we thought we would have to separate in order to build a positive home(s) for our little girl.  I remember thinking, “How could I love so deeply someone who refused to love me back.”  Cheryl and I separated and commenced our lives apart.  MacKenzie, although very disappointed, was quite resilient to all the changes going on around her.

I have some pretty amazing friends and family members who supported me through so much of the rollercoaster that has been the last 2-3 years of my life.  With their help, I didn’t allow the changes going on around me to influence my happiness.  I’m not going to say I didn’t have any sad days or that a bitter or resentful thought never went through my mind, but, thanks to amazing friends, an amazing employer, and an amazing family, I was able to focus my attention on what mattered.  I could focus on me and ‘create my little piece of happy’ along with building a positive, supportive home for my daughter and I.  At the same time, Cheryl was able to identify for herself who she was and wanted to become.

There were some very trying moments.  There was finger pointing and threats.  There was mistrust.  I refused to allow bitterness or resentment to become a routine in my life and chose to focus on that which I was grateful for… there was so much, afterall, to be grateful for.  I didn’t allow additional financial commitments or other personal and professional challenges to change who I wanted to be.  I can’t say I wasn’t hurt because I was… I had put everything into my relationship with Cheryl.  What I can say, however, is that I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself and certainly didn’t want others to feel sorry for me.

Late in the summer, perhaps early fall 2009, I was dropping my daughter off at Cheryl’s place and something occured to me.  I had REALLY let go.  I spoke breifly to Cheryl and shared with her that I hoped she could find the peace she was looking for, that I wished for her only the very best, and that I had let go.  I shared with her that our success as a couple will not be measured by the failure of our marriage but by how we choose to raise our little girl… I shared with her that I had forgiven her and I asked that she forgive me.  I told her that, for as long as she would let me, I would be her friend.  I told her that her happiness is a decision away.

From that moment forward I recognized a change.  I didn’t know what it was or even if our previous conversation had anything to do with it, but our communications from that point forward were less stressed.  When we did talk we smiled, we laughed… we started sharing little pieces of our lives with each other again.  Both of us had been ‘dating’ if it could be called that and both of us had released each other and, as importantly, ourselves from the burden of our failed marriage.  Most of all, however, we both gave the other the space we needed to really determine who we wanted to become.

It was a cold day in January when we met so I could drop off some of MacKenzie’s things.  I had picked up a few coffees and we sat in my truck enjoying some conversation and laughs.  I looked at her and told her that I was proud of how we had grown past the bitterness and the next words out of her mouth would introduce another major change in our lives… she said, “Yes, Darren, we make a pretty good team, don’t we?”  There was something in her this cold morning that I hadn’t seen in years, something warm… it was a smile, a REAL smile!

I don’t think I could pinpoint when things started feeling right again… or, for that matter, FEELING at all.  But, we made great strides together when we found it in ourselves to forgive and move on… to release ourselves and eachother… to stop feeling sorry for ourselves… to focus on ourselves first.

Today, Cheryl and I are back together.  The passion has returned, the feeling has returned… it wont be easy rebuilding our lives, we recognize that, but we have a renewed commitment to each other and a renewed lease on our relationship.

I wish to thank all who regularly read and contribute to this blog.  Your many comments, e-mails, and contributions are true blessings and I am looking forward to many more.

Leave your comment and stay tuned…

Darren Sproat

I was out the other day putting the finishing touches on my preparations for Christmas this year.  I found myself spending some time observing Moms and Dads and sometimes their kids shopping, waiting in line, or any one of several other activities that it seems everyone has to do prior to Christmas festivities…

There was a common theme that was rather disappointing… very few people were smiling or enjoying themselves.

There’s no doubt that the time of year adds unnecessary stresses to everyone’s already hectic schedules but there are several things you can do to prevent stress from getting the best of you at this time of year…

• Put perfection behind you – Everyone wants the holiday season to be perfect…from striving to achieve a perfect reaction from your spouse or children to a gift you purchased to desiring the perfect feast and family get together, the perfect gift wrapping and decorations, etc.  Accept that you may not be able to achieve perfection in every aspect of your holiday season.
• Set yours plans for visiting family and friends in accordance with your priorities – There’s nothing quite as stressful as trying to be in 4 or 5 places (Mom’s place, Dad’s place, Granparent’s places, etc…) all at once.  Set your priorities for family visits with family and friends in accordance with YOUR priorities not those of your Great Aunt!  Consider alternating between your’s and your significant other’s families yearly and leave yourself the time to truly enjoy these opportunities – especially if visiting these families requires any significant travel requirements.
• For those last minute items, plan before you shop – It’s natural to forget an item or have to make a trip to pick up a few things at the last minute.  Make a list and plan where and what you will buy before you hop in the car and head to the mall.
• Take a moment to enjoy the moment – The stress caused by hectic schedules and season related to-do lists can be relieved by simply taking a moment to breathe and enjoy the wonderful around you!  Take a moment to remember why you celebrate this time of year.

How do you handle seasonal stresses?

photo credit: isabisa

Communicating is so important to all facets of one’s life… from building a healthy relationship with your significant other to raising your kids to maintaining a successful career or business.  In my experience, however, many people believe that being a strong communicator is equivalent to being able to effectively hear one out and react by spewing words that one believes the other wants to hear.

Communicating in such a way is not productive and can be filled with assumptions.  This is all too often the case when one doesn’t make the effort to listen and understand the conversation.  Instead of giving one’s attention to actually understand the conversation one simply takes the words, applies personal perception and emotion to what was heard, and reacts.

“To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”
~ John Marshall

Effective communications requires a person to more than simply hear and react to what is being said.

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen.  Just listen.  Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention… ”
~ Rachel Naomi Remen

So, how do we listen?

It’s simple… open your eyes and ears and shut your mouth!

photo credit: Stéfan